Freaky big, in LA.
By the time I checked into my room in Los Angeles Thursday night, it was past midnight EST. I carried organic chocolate covered almonds for comfort food, lemons in case water was precious, raw bars, and my favorite loose tea. I was grateful for my tea as I ate my $10 oatmeal. Grateful for the almonds after I bought the $10 toothpaste in the hotel. A tad of grounding and normal in the start of three long days of workshop-seminar on how to grow an online business. It didn’t seem crazy to fly coast-to-coast, Florida shore to CA shore, to do this. I’ve been melting my brain studying and writing with little joy or satisfaction, by myself. And the pieces weren’t coming together. I felt less-than for not being further along in my plan for offers. By the time I flew out, it was all about my failing. Lack of sleep, being out of sync in another time zone seemed small potatoes.
I immediately connected with a coach whose clients need a writer (me?!). Chose a seat between an energy healer already in the presenter’s program and a kindred spirit actress turned coach with a fascinating story. Alright! I’m no odd duck. But end of Day One, after failing to complete the clarity exercises for niche and tribe I came to get, I sunk low…way low. Next morning others shared they considered leaving, felt like failures, too. Alright! Not just me. And we all decided to show up, anyway. Open, kind to ourselves, listening and trusting. What I don’t know is how they got there. Answering Yes screams in their heads as they watched yet-another-webinar, like I did.
Day Two, everything fell into place. Why what didn’t make sense in my months of study didn’t. The difficulty and time it can take to distill a clear message so you’re seen, heard in a noisy world. That meh to message can equal a quantum leap. I was buoyed. Convinced by who I saw in the person on the dais, the meat in my notebook, the format of the day with minimal rah-rah. And again, I wept that night, because I also learned I can’t do this by myself. Tribe is far more than the people who’ll benefit from our offers. More than friends or kindred spirits we meet every day or along the way. Tribe is those with us in the journey we’re in right now. And I could have every.single.piece needed for success at a reasonable price. And I wasn’t ready.
Because after I got past the money argument (never an issue once I decide to spend it), the husband won’t understand argument, it came down to me. Despite little income, my study and intent, the financial investment already made, my desire and ultimate vision, I don’t believe I can sustainably show up 120% for a solid year in a dig deep do-it fast train creating it program. It’s not a head thing, but a gut thing. And regular support + accountability won’t make a difference. Core foundational work’s missing. I had to sit, be sure this wasn’t an excuse or effort to hide back into comfort. Then I shared it with people there to help me enroll. And my shame dissolved. They nodded affirmation. Because Life is, after all, about how we show up.
I was calm flying home. Up at 2:30 for a 5am flight, only two hrs. sleep, the shift in direction strong inside me. I’ll write the book on the Writers Block Myth I put aside. Another Getting to Wise journey about getting past stuck for me and readers. Something I wanna write. I still wish I’d enrolled in the program, would have that tribe seeing me thru. Still feel scared I won’t pull off my intents. Still wish it wasn’t so much work. And I’ll find another way for help. Hire another branding coach. I feel brighter. John Lennon said, Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Bottom line, the view depends on which road you look down. I’ll start with my mirror, my evidence journal. What others said they saw in me. 100% where I’m at, open. It’s another good day.
What do you think? Tell me here, in the comments.
What we really need is to gather
in the street and talk to each other.
Any street. Lined with shrubs
or tenements. Paved or dirt
or cobblestone. With orange cones
or with wooden barriers
to set off the block so we can talk,
can talk and listen and watch the day go by.
Some will join us. They will wonder
why we’ve gathered. They’ll
pull out their binoculars
as if there’s something more to see.
There’s always something more to see,
like the way the light comes through the hedge
and makes it more gold than green.
Hey, did you hear that nightingale?
When’s the last time you heard one
All my life I’ve been too busy. Rushing
from one here to the next. But look
what happens when we gather
in the street and gawk in whatever
direction. We start to become a we—
you, me, the man in the yellow plaid shirt,
the cop, the woman in white tennis shoes.
It does not matter how we vote or
where we’ve been or how much we make
or if we pray, here we are in the same place
on the same day. Not because someone died,
not because someone’s done something wrong.
There is no one to cheer for but us.
We’ll go back to our homes soon enough,
but for now, here we are
doing the most important work,
gathering in the street to notice together
the scent of fall, the warmth of mid-afternoon sun,
the way all our shadows fall the same direction.”
~ Rosemerry Trommer (It Won’t Make the News)
Another small journey. Getting to Wise.
A Writer’s Life.
A secret: I’m learning I glean from the musicians who uniquely show up. I hear their messages.
A favorite: John Lennon